God, right now I feel so many things. My heart is hurting, my mind is hurting, and even my soul a little bit. From being financially unstable, to friendship issues, to not knowing what’s next for me and feeling like I’m living uselessly. I’m just not okay. Not at all.
I want to be. I really want to be. For the sake of not complaining. For the sake of being a “good christian” that’s content in all circumstances. I want to believe that all of these things are happening for a reason. I want to believe it’ll work out for my good. I want to believe that all these things will pass and I will be able to have overflowing joy again.
But I’m so tired.
I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of things going up and then crashing back down. I’m tired of getting my hopes up that I’m finally coming upon the end of the tunnel and finding that I’m still in the dark.
I’m so tired of it.
I feel so bad for others who are in the same situation. Waiting for You to finally do something. Waiting for change to finally come. Waiting to be rescued by You. Waiting to hear Your voice. Is this the life You really put us here to live? Why are there so many suffering christians? And not even because of the world persecuting them, but just existing is exhausting on its own. Fighting to just stay alive. Trying to simply survive and not even thrive.
When I look at your church… I don’t see this bride that’s adored by her husband. I see a widow. Depressed, alone, and riddled with anxiety. But why? Why is it like that? I thought it was supposed to be different?
Do You, God, ever think… it was supposed to be different?
I know it says You’ve won. That we’re more than conquerors in Christ. But honestly, it feels like we’ve been beaten to a pulp. It seems that suffering is our tale. So many of us. It’s unbearable to witness.
This just isn’t right, God. If we have the authority, why are we still acting as the slaves?
Isn’t there something You can do? Something You can change within us so we can get better?
Why are there so many dead inside christians?
This is hurtful.
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I would like to say, I’m sorry this post is quite sad. I’m sorry it doesn’t end on a high note with some joyous statement that it’ll all get better. But I think sometimes it’s important to not shrug off the hurt with a positive statement that’s really meant to shut down how we truly feel. God already knows how we feel and our honesty is important to Him. Read the book of Psalms, Lamentations, Ecclesiastes. They’re in the Bible for a reason.
God is still who He says He is. He is still good. He is still our Beloved. Our Father. Our Friend. But also, He knows that we’re in pain. And it’s okay to admit that living here is painful. We have to acknowledge it so we can begin to process, take steps, and heal. There’s way too much going on for us to keep pretending. Be real with God. He’s not afraid of the truth. Plus, He already knows it.
Skye Says... 