“How are you?”
An unhealthily common question asked to and by anyone you come across. No one is ever expecting a sour answer which is likely the true answer. We’re just being polite and going about our business.
But when I’m asked this question by a friend I really don’t like this question even more. Because with friends I can be honest, but what really sucks about this question is I really don’t have the answer to it. I don’t know how I am most of the time. I just simply don’t think about it.
I don’t usually stop and wonder, “how am I feeling right now?” I don’t do self check-ins. This occurred to me as I was thinking back on some recent events and I was confused on whether I was just acknowledging what had happened or if I was actually hurt by what had happened. I wondered if maybe I was hurt but called it simple acknowledgment because my emotions have been numbed from the lack of recognizing and dealing with them. I just tell myself to not be upset and move on.
This is actually learned behavior.
As a kid, if I was anything other than content and happy it was met with disdain. People acted as though my unhappy feelings were shameful and an inconvenience. Instead of asking me what the problem was and how could I be helped, I was told to “fix my attitude” or met with attitude in return. I was shrugged off and not taken seriously at all.
So how can I expect to care about my emotional wellbeing if I was taught that it doesn’t matter? That any emotion that isn’t peaceful is wrong and must be shut down immediately.
In my last article Friendship Anxiety, I talked about not really caring about myself and how this has contributed to insecurities in my life. At the end of the article, I mentioned that I wanted to begin taking better care of myself and loving the person God has created me to be. I think starting with how I feel is a really good start actually.
I want to sit down and recognize my emotions by allowing myself time to think about how I truly feel. Maybe I’ll get out my journal and write down whatever thoughts come to mind and whatever feelings I have.
Ultimately, I want to give myself the compassion I’ve longed for for so long. I want to accept the compassion that the LORD has to offer. And the comfort He’s waiting to give. My emotions aren’t my enemy nor are they my master. But they will be if I refuse to deal with them.
Skye Says... 