Friendship Anxiety

I’ve been struggling lately with overthinking, but what else is new, right? But I haven’t had to overthink about this particular subject for quite some time. The subject in question is friendships. Yep, it’s always a tricky subject. 

Usually I’d prefer if I were alone in some of the things I suffer with mentally, but in this case I kind of hope that I’m not. Don’t let me be the only one y’all. 

Ever since middle school, I’ve had the hardest time making friends with deep connections. The kind where you actually meet up with each other outside of the place you met. The kind that you can mutually talk about anything and be unashamed. The kind where you can have disagreements and still be friends. 

I had moved in the second half of my fifth grade year from the only elementary school I had ever known. All the people I had known since kindergarten were suddenly out of my reach. I moved into a territory where instead of me being the one to introduce myself to the new kid, I was the new kid. I cried on my first day at the new school. I still hate that I did that. 

Ever since, I was either trying to join a friend group where everyone had connections already and I was the odd one out. Being welcoming to new kids in hopes that we could be friends, but eventually they’d find they’re “real friends” and I’d be left alone again. Or just simply only ever getting to acquaintance level with everyone and never really having “true friendship.” 

I’ve known that this was a painful thing for me for a while, but I never thought deeply about how this would affect my true friends who’d come along eventually. 

I have some really good friends now, who I’d say really care about me and love me. They’re the kind that actually asks to hang out and we actually hang out. The kind that prays for you and encourages you. The kind of friends that you can tell your deepest, darkest things to and not be shamed by them. They are some really good, God-given people. 

So tell me why, I’m having friendship anxiety. What is friendship anxiety? I’m not sure if this is an actual thing, but I’m calling it this in my case. 

My friendship anxiety looks/sounds like this: 

• Worrying that they don’t actually like me
• Feeling like they don’t really want to talk to me
• Assuming that they don’t care about me because of some minor little thing 
• FOMO… lots and lots of FOMO (fear of missing out)
• Thinking they must talk poorly about me behind my back

Of course the list goes on. 

I’ve been struggling with this a lot the past month and maybe a little more. And I’m absolutely irritated and mad at myself for feeling this way. Because after I spiral down and finally get a hold of myself, I think about how they aren’t bad friends. How no one’s done anything wrong and I’m just assuming the worst. 

But why am I assuming the worst? Why do I pick apart the things they do or don’t do to try and prove they don’t like and/or care about me?

Well, because I already think the worst of myself. And if I’m thinking the worst of myself, that means that others can see what I see and are thinking it too, right? 

This really occurred to me in the past week. When you really sit down and think about, how can you assume someone else thinks bad things about you? What evidence do you have? The only evidence you have is your own negative thoughts about yourself. 

This past week, I truly understood that my own negative thoughts about myself were being projected onto my friends. You want to know something? That’s truly unfair to them. My mind is creating this narrative that they are these unkind, unloving, mean-spirited people. That’s just completely false. 

But the enemy knows my weak spot. To be honest, I can’t say that I’ve ever really liked myself. Even when I got closer to God and fell in with Him for first loving me so well, after a while I started questioning Him. Because I could never get past the negative feelings I have toward myself. 

Yes, even my relationship with God is affected by this. I assume that God sees all my flaws, which is true, but not that He sees them and loves me anyway and sees me as His beautiful daughter. But that He sees them and doesn’t like me because of them. 

So, if in my head God can’t get past my flaws, then how can anyone else get past them either? 

And the truth is God doesn’t hold my flaws against me, I do. And I have to be honest and say the idea of loving myself seems wrong. Particularly as a Christian when you have people preaching from pulpits how disgusting and horrible you are, you don’t really think there’s room for loving. 

But does it make sense to hate myself? Would God really want me to hate His creation? Because I am after all His masterpiece. 

I see other people as worthy of love and acceptance. And we are ALL made in His image. So why not me too? 

I won’t lie and say I know exactly where to start when it comes to figuring out how to love the person God has created me to be. But I want to. For the sake of my sanity and also for my relationships. I really can’t fully show up for people if I’m only showing up as half of myself because I’m trying to hide me because I don’t like me. 

I want to stop disliking myself. I want to be confident in who God has made me to be. I want to love and respect her. I want to give her a chance. 

I know it won’t be easy, but it’s hard enough to stay living in this mindset. I have to pick my hard. I’d rather wrestle with getting to a point where I have a healthy view of myself than struggle for the rest of my life in all areas because I can’t find it in me to love myself. 

Wouldn’t it be worth it? To properly care for the person that God created. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14